The boy I love to love
by doc boy
Summary: For years, Harry and Hermione have loved each other dearly. But with the wizarding war and Harry's potential death on the horizon, these feelings are locked away until it's over. Will they ever find happiness and tell each other how they feel?


The boy I love to love

I do not own Harry Potter (but you already know that don't you?)

After Ron left things had changed. She couldn't remember the last time it was just her and Harry. She felt a vaguely familiar and long forgotten feeling of intimacy between them. She thought he felt it too. There was tension in the air that almost felt like clay dough. It was both suffocating yet also intoxicating. A feeling of longing and belonging for each other's love and company. One night she fell asleep on the couch and it was cold that night. Harry found her sleeping like that with an open book on her lap. He gently removed the book from her hands and put it away. Then, he placed a blanket around her and tucked her in cozily. Lastly, after hesitating for a bit, he kissed her lightly on the forehead. She wasn't certain how she knew all this but she just did. She could feel Harry's kindness and caring towards her no matter what she was doing. Even if she was asleep…

Two weeks after Ron's disappearance, Hermione was sitting sadly on the floor of the tent listening to the radio in melancholy. It made him very sad to see her like that. He walked across the tent and reached his hand out to her. Feeling as if she was facing her fate or had nothing better to do, she took his hand as he pulled her to her feet and started dancing with his long time friend; Hermione Granger. At first the movements were subtle, but soon they got into the beat of the music and started dancing happily in the dimly lit tent. When she rested in his arms, she felt a strange feeling of tranquility and security. She felt like she belonged with him, belonged to be in his arms. It felt like they were her home. _He_ was her home. Her all. She loved him dearly and wanted nothing more than to be with him and make him her own. She was on the verge of confessing but her rational side stopped her. It wouldn't be fair to Harry if she told him that now. She didn't want him to be more troubled than he is now. She knew he would worry about breaking her heart if he died if they indulged in a romance now. She didn't want his last thought before he died, to be worry for her safety and emotional wellbeing after his demise while realizing too late how he felt about her. Assuming he saw her that way at all. Then the emotional and more selfish part of her wanted to just blurt it out and even make love to him right here and now if she could. But she couldn't and she hated that…

When the music stopped they separated. They peered into each other's eyes briefly until moving away, narrowly avoiding a kiss that could have led to something more. Much more. Something she craved and yearned for with all her being for a long time but knew she couldn't have. At least not till this was over. She hoped, he would return her feelings if he would live to see the end of this war and she hoped… that she would have a chance to be with him if he didn't make it, or her for that matter…

That night Hermione cried herself to sleep. Harry had a feeling he knew what was going on, but knew that opening it now would make things more painful for her. He sat by her bed after she finally fell asleep. He stroked her hair and cheek slightly, feeling terrible about himself.

"I'm sorry about this Hermione… I know how you feel about me. I love you and appreciate you more than you'll ever know and I would do anything to protect you... even if it means to protect emotionally. I don't want you to be crushed if I die in this war. After knowing you for seven years. you would be shattered either way. If we indulge in a romance it will make things worse. But I promise you baby… if we both live through this bloody war, I'll be yours for now and forever… if you will still want me to be yours…" he whispered lovingly to her and leaned forward to kiss her forehead as she hummed softly as she slept. Then he got up and placed a glass of fresh water on her nightstand for when she wakes up and went to the entrance of the tent to keep watch.

The next morning, Hermione woke up with a sad look on her face. Her most cherished dream and wish in life has been fulfilled… but only in her head… she sighed sadly as she sat up. Then she noticed the glass of water by her bed. She glanced towards the entrance to the tent and saw Harry sitting there peacefully. She smiled warmly at him for his kindness, hoping the kind speech he gave her wasn't a dream after all, as she downed the cup of water in one go.

Two days latter, Ron has returned and things got painfully awkward. He didn't miss a thing. He knew something was up with Harry and Hermione and he didn't like it. He still had feelings for Hermione. But when he saw her with that sad, longing look pointed towards Harry, he gave up his plans for courting her. He could never have the heart to do so, with her looking at Harry as if he was something she loved dearly but could never have and would remain out of her reach forever…

Things got worse when the battle of Hogwarts began several days later. Hermione did her best to fight against the death eaters and protect her friends. But her primary concern was Harry. After loosing friends and allies one by one, the boy she's come to love at her core, was getting increasingly miserable, and his emotional output dimmed. After Snape was killed and Voldemort gave them his final warning, Hermione knew it was over for him. For them. For her. He told them he was going to look at Snape's last memories. He entered Dumbledore's office with feelings and expressions of apathy. After what he's been through tonight, he lost all ability to show or feel emotion at this point. He took out the pensive and dived into the psyche of the man he hated all his life, in hopes for it being some sort of relief or salvation. What he saw in it shocked him. He never knew that his old and now dead potion's master loved his mother. Surprisingly, he treated her rather nicely most of the time but he was angered when he saw him call her a mud blood. After that incident, Lily never spoke to him till the day she died. Snape tried to make peace with her but she wouldn't listen. The night his parent's died he saw Snape make his way up the stairs in his old house in Godric's Hollow. When he saw him discover Lily's frail frame lying motionlessly and lifelessly on the floor by Harry's crib and wail with grief as he held her in his arms, Harry felt a wave of pity for a man he never thought he could. He often felt Dumbledore made a mistake for trusting him. He never said why, but despite that, Harry didn't think the old headmaster had a good reason for trusting Snape as nasty as he was. After witnessing this, Harry realized he was telling the truth on levels he did not imagine. When he saw the final memory with him talking to Snape, he knew that his fears were correct. He had to die. He had to die to kill Voldemort. He would have too say goodbye to a life that was too short-lived. Most of it an unhappy one. He looked back at how wonderfully his life changed when he came to Hogwarts. When he made friends for the first time in his life. When he made friends with Hermione. He always thought she was cute. Even when they didn't get along so well in the beginning of their first year. By the end of their fifth year, he knew he was in love with her. But then he knew about the prophecy. Romancing with Hermione while they knew he would have to die soon would be unfair to her so he locked those feelings away, no matter how wrong or hard it seemed. He sat on the floor in the dark headmaster's office. Trying to regain his feelings and thoughts. After he calmed down a bit, at least as much as he could, he walked down the stairs to confront his fate. On the way, he found Hermione and Ron sitting sadly on one of the stairs, trying to comfort each other. They noticed him and stood up.

"Where've you been?" she asked.

"We thought you went to the forest." Added Ron with an alarmed tone.

"I'm going there now."

"Are you mad? You can't give yourself up to him!"

Hermione could tell he was being more emotionally dim than usual.

"What is it Harry? What is it that you know?"

"There's a reason I can hear them. The Horcruxes. I think I've known for a while…. But I think you did too…" he said grimly, trying to find the most delicate way to put to her. He hated to see her so miserable. He hated that this is how she will see him for the last time. That this was his goodbye to her. He hated that he couldn't have the one thing he's truly wanted in life... love… a family… happiness…. he hated the prophecy and everyone involved in it that condemned him to a miserable life, devoid of happiness and love. He hated everything about this world, except his friends and a young girl with bushy brown hair, brown eyes and a smile that could make him melt, which was now replaced by tears and anguish as he cradled her in her arms. He desperately wanted to tell her how he feels. He regretted keeping it bottled up for so long. Why didn't he tell her? If he would have told her at least they could have a chance at love together. The confession was struggling to burst out of his throat... but a boulder of, fear, shame, regret and the persistent concern for Hermione's happiness kept it at bay. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to kiss her, hug her, hold her, make love to her and do everything else a man does with his women of choice. He wished she could know how badly he loves her so… he wanted her to be his wife, raise a family with him and grow old with her... he wanted to tell everyone about it and how he felt about her. Ron, Seamus, Neville... he would even tell Voldemort about it if it would do any good. But he knew that would never be. He kissed her on the cheek and buried his face in hers and grabbed onto and gently stroked her hair like it was a lifeline, hoping that these gestures would convey to her how much he loved her without saying it or tormenting her too much. Finally he let her go and felt the life energy and little bit of happiness left within drain away. He gave a brief hug to Ron and with that he walked away. The school grounds seemed dark and quite despite some parts being on fire or destroyed. He never knew that walking towards his death would be so eerily quite... he walked into the clearing and faced Voldemort for what he believed to be the last time. With one whiff of a wand and a green flash of light, Harry was down on the ground, never to see his friends or Hermione's pretty face again… or so he thought. When he came to, he found himself in a place that resembled a very pure and very white version of King's Cross Station in London. He ran into Dumbledore while he was there and received words of comfort and encouragement. When he learned he has the choice to go back, his heart, soul, mind and face were filled with joy and exhilaration. He could see Hermione again! He has a second chance. Now that the Horcrux within him was gone he wouldn't have to sacrifice himself again. Now it was just him and Voldemort and that bloody snake of his. Harry concentrated hard and soon found himself flashing at light speed back into his body. He woke up to find himself in the great hall as Voldemort declared his death and defeat. The first thing he heard was Hermione scream and a wail in misery and anguish. He felt like he could never apologize enough for making her feel the way she did just now. But he to try, and he would start by disposing of Voldemort once and for all. He dropped out of Hagrid's arms and made a run for it with Voldemort chasing at his tail. There were several duels but they have been broken off by various disturbances. As the final duel began, they were going head to head. It was close, it was tight… for a moment there it seemed Harry was gonna lose. But at the best possible moment, Neville sliced Nagini's head off, leaving Voldemort with no Horcrux left to sustain him to this Earth but himself. Harry and Voldemort struck again, knowing that dark wizard was at his weakest. The killing curse started moving back his way. With one last futile effort, Voldemort's killing curse rebounded for the last time and he disintegrated into nothingness. It was over. The war was officially over, Voldemort has finally and ultimately been defeated, and Harry now knew he could have everything he always wanted in life. He was free…

Before he could begin to formulate a proper confession to his one and only Hermione, he was attacked by a big group of hug from everyone in sight. Everyone wanted to hug and get a piece of the Boy Who Saved Their Lives. Finally, the group dispersed a bit and he found himself attacked by Hermione's bear hug. She was so emotional she couldn't say anything. After a long silence she spoke.

"Thank you Harry… thanks for coming back…"

He tightened the embrace around her.

"You're welcome. Anything for you Hermione…" he said, longing to confess to her but he was still trying to get over his shock and he didn't want to do it in front of everyone, even though this moment seemed perfect for it.

That night, Hogwarts has had its best feast seen in many years. Everyone pitched in to help fix the great hall for it to be ready for dinner. Harry and Hermione enjoyed the bliss most of all. Peace has been restored. There was no more war, no more violence, no more oppression of muggles or house elves… just life. A life as she always envisioned it to be. She rested her head on Harry's shoulder as he had his arm wrapped around her, both knowing what was to come. That night Harry and Hermione felt more drained than they ever felt before. All this extended period of misery and anguish followed by extreme euphoria and relief was a shock to their emotional system. They were the first to go to sleep that night and fell asleep instantly.

Several hours later at about four AM, Harry woke up. He craved for Hermione's warmth and love. He wanted to tell her how he felt right there and then. His emotions getting the better of him, he walked down the stairs and towards the common room. He was about to attempt going up the girl's dormitory but found out he doesn't have to. He found Hermione sitting by the fire in a pink robe. He sat down beside her.

"Hi." He said. She turned around to beam at him.

"Hi." She said cheerfully. He looked at her, he saw her, and he saw her soul and emotions as he peered into her brown eyes. He saw all that she is, and what he wanted her to be, through her eyes. She gazed at his eyes and penetrated his heart and soul and finally realized that he was hers. She finally got what she waned in life… and so did he… he slowly closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against her own, venting feelings of love, passion, lust, happiness, appreciation, compassion and every other good thing he could think of, into that one kiss, only to have it amplified tenfold by her own identical efforts. They transferred and delivered their love for each other better and more lovingly than any words would dare to try. Yet it failed to capsulate how much love they felt for each other and how it had been bottled up for so long, as it amplified and was now being released out like a volcano in an eruption of happiness, lust, love and emotion. They made out like that for five minutes as their tongues explored every millimeter of each other's mouths till they absolutely had to breathe. Harry rested his head in Hermione's chest as she hugged him and held his head in her hands.

Struggling to catch his breath, Harry managed to gasp out.

"I love you Hermione… I love you so much… you have no idea how much I love you…" he said still trying to catch his breath. She leaned down and kissed his head.

"I love you too Harry. I've loved you for years. More than you'll ever know. My heart is too small to contain the amount of love I have for you…"

"So is mine…" he admitted.

"Would you like to do something about that?" she asked seductively. He looked, smiled, and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"Thought you'd never ask…" he said sweetly as they both chuckled, walked out of the common room and head for the room of requirement. In it, awaited them a comfy queen sized bed, and a night full of sex and compensating for a love that was left unexpressed for far too long…

That same afternoon, Harry and Hermione traveled to Hogesmead to buy an engagement ring for her and they announced their match made in heaven that same night at dinner. Within the week they were married at the Saint Paul's Chapel in London and headed for their flat to spend the night and make love as a married couple for the first time.

Next time Hermione's parents came to visit, they were delighted to know they have a grandchild on the way… they counted the days as summer became fall and fall became winter… along the way, they found out that Hermione was not bearing one, but two babies within her. They were gonna have twins. Soon the big day had come and Harry and Hermione were holding their newborn twins in their hands. In their wake, lay a baby girl and a baby boy. Both had Hermione's face and hair but had Harry's caring green eyes. As expected, they were named James and Jane, named after their parents' respective middle names. The duo would later become known as the JJ twins. But that wasn't the only happiness in store. Two years later, they had another set of twins. Once again it was a boy and a girl. They looked like a combination of Harry and Hermione's face but had her hair and Harry's green eyes. The happy family decided to name them, Lily and Sirius. A year later, their fifth son Remus was born. He too had Hermione's face and hair, but his eyes was a mixture of Hermione's brown orbs and Harry's green eyes. Lastly, two years later their last set of twins were born and were named Harry and Hermione Jr. Each was the spitting image of their respective and other parent alike. The young couple has finally found happiness and raised the family they always wanted while not being a day over twenty four. After putting their kids to sleep, Harry joined in Hermione in bed while she read a book like she always did before bed. He snuggled up to her and rested his head on her shoulder.

"I love you Hermione… more than I can say…"

She moved to kiss him softly but lovingly on the lips.

"I love you too darling… more than you will ever know or than I can say either…"

"But we still know it though don't we?"

"Oh yeah…" mused Hermione.

"After all this time I think we proved it quite well. We proved it ever since you kissed me at the Gryffindor common room all those years ago sweetie…"

Harry smiled his old trademark boyish smile. The one she would die for and would never get tired of for as long as she lived…

"I'm glad… I feel the same way honey…." He said happily and kissed her softly, tenderly and lovingly on the lips…

"I love you Hermione… so much… more than I can say or you'll ever know…"

She returned the kiss and embraced him in her arms.

"I love you too Harry… more than you can ever know or than I can ever say in my life even if I tried…" she said happily as he rested in her arms.

"I'm glad…" he said happily as she stroked his hair as he rested his head in her lap.

"Hey Hermione?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked with a devilish, smug grin on his face. She returned the smile and kissed his squarely, lovingly and tenderly on the lips.

"Yes Harry I am…" she said happily with a smile on her face as she moved to turn off her lamp, as the young couple treated each other and acted like a man and women, a husband and a wife and a lover and a lover for a time so many they have lost count long ago, only to fall asleep in each other's arms, awaiting their next child, loving each other and feeling very happy indeed…

And they lived happily ever after…

The end…

Whoa…. That was a heck of a story. Normally I try to avoid getting into 'you know what' in my stories, but given the angsty background I thought it would make a better ending and a better and happier payoff after all that. Anyway I hope you guys liked it…

Reviews are most welcome…


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